I declare to my antimacassar if you took up a straw from the bloody floor and if you said to Bloom: Look at, Bloom. Do you see that straw? That’s a straw. Declare to my aunt he’d talk about it for an hour so he would and talk steady. - James Joyce, Ulysses
In which I offer an analysis of the subject lines for the last three spam messages I’ve received.
1) Tired of people laughing at your small tool – The initial meaning of this statement is clear enough, with “tool,” serving as a common metaphor for penis. So, on a quick reading, one might think that the author is asking the reader a rhetorical question, the answer to which would be, well, yes. But, oh, so much more interesting. In the first place, simply on that initial reading, the subject line writer is being gender neutral: he or she doesn’t specify whether these “people” who are thus laughing are men, women, or both. The spam message seems, in other words, intent on avoiding any heteronormativity. It’s also quite complimentary in a strange way, since the reader would have had opportunity for more than one person to laugh at his small penis, and, in fact, one would even think that many such people have laughed, since the whole operation has become tiresome. So the implied reader for the rhetorical question seems to be somebody who is extraordinarily good at inducing others (of indeterminate sex and orientation) into a situation of nakedness, with the only downside being their eventual laughter at his small penis. This is a persuasive courter, but with one little flaw. In a more extended form, the question could be restated as “Aren’t you tired, dear reader, that all these people you’ve successfully convinced to go to bed with you only end up breaking up in hysterics when they catch sight of your very small penis?” But that’s just the initial reading. If we look more closely, we should notice that there is no question mark at all. The subject line, while missing any closing punctuation, could thus read as a declarative sentence rather than a rhetorical question: it is the subject line’s author who is tired of people laughing at the reader’s small tool. This is a strange sort of statement indeed. In order to buy into it, we’d have to assume that the writer, a third party, neither one of the laughers nor the small penised reader, has had access to the laughing, and has grown tired of it. Was the writer in the room on several of these occasions? Hiding in the closet, wincing? Is the writer a friend of the recipient who has had to endure many sad, alcohol-soaked tales of this recurring problem? And what would those conversation have been like? Why would the writer himself be tired of other people laughing at the reader’s misfortune? Is the writer merely compassionate? Or is there something else going on? This is very curious stuff. Of course, we are also authorized, I think, to read the statement literally, and to ignore the cultural metaphorics of the tool. Maybe there really is a small tool, like, say, a tiny little screwdriver used for detailed electronics work, and the writer is sick and tired of all the people who immediately break into penis jokes whenever the small screwdriver is removed from its delicate carrying case. Maybe the writer is a manager named Ernest in a small accounting office, and this email is not spam at all, but a misfire, meant for the tech guy, Kevin, who comes around to the office from time to time and breaks out the small screwdriver, and everybody in the office starts laughing, because Dave, the office jokester, says “Hey, that’s a pretty small tool you got there, Kevin,” and Gina the New Girl laughs and laughs, and Ernest loves Gina the New Girl, and wonders some nights if he hired her because he loved her the very instant he saw her, and the ethical problems that would entail, and he has seen her talking to Dave at Rumours Lounge after work, talking up close and giggling at his jokes, and he now fears that Dave will win her over with his humor, so he’s writing this email pleading with Kevin not to bring that damn tiny screwdriver around again, in order to deprive Dave of the opportunity for yet another knee-slapper.
2) Don’t be embarrassed of your little one every again – On its face, this subject line would seem to have the same general message as #1: the implication is that by opening the message, you will learn of some technique or process by which to enlarge your penis. But a closer reading reveals several characteristics that distinguish it from #1. First, the reader is not openly laughed at by people, but rather experiences a subjective state of embarrassment. This is a key distinction, because we’re not assured that the implied reader ever does manage to get anybody in bed. This embarrassment may precede any partners, and may even prevent the reader from approaching possible partners in the first place. While the reader in #1 would thus experience the cruelty of others, the implied reader for this subject line could be thought to be at the root of his own problem in socializing. Or, alternatively, the reader may have one or more partners who do not laugh, but the reader imagines that the partner(s) may be laughing, and thus suffers a state of embarrassment. Whereas the reader for #1 experiences an objectively verifiable reaction, the reader from #2 can only refer to an inner experience, either before, during, or after the exposure of said small penis to others. I will leave it to my own readers to determine which is a sadder story: the master pick-up artist who suffers the supposed cruelty of his partners (itself a cruel irony), or the self-conscious subject who merely imagines such cruelty, and is tortured into inaction because of it. But again, we might read the subject line another way. Specifically, the term “little one” is often used to refer to one’s children; indeed, as I learned when she frequented new parent bulletin boards after babygirl’s birth, it is the common phrase, and even often abbreviated as LO. So, this subject line, like the last one, may not be about penises at all, but about parents who are embarrassed by the behavior of their own children. What does the subject line promise? Behavior modification for small children? Or some method for parents to get over themselves and allow their kids to just be kids? And really, we might ask again which version is more tragic: the shy and humiliated man who cannot meet people because of his embarrassment over his penis, or the parent who recoils at the behavior – perhaps innocent – of his or her own child? The subject line tells a sad story, in any case. And we also might attend to the error – presumably a typo – of “every again.” The substitution of the non-standard “embarrassed of” rather than the more common prepositional usage of “embarrassed by” would suggest that the error really is an error, in which case, what a rich and meaningful mistake it is! Or is it a mistake? Did the writer mean to include a noun after “every,” rather than actually meaning to write “ever.” Was this a verbal tic that was never corrected in revision? Could it have said “Don’t be embarrassed of your little one every morning play date,” or “Don’t be embarrassed of your little one every time you hire a hooker.” Maybe the writer didn’t want to specify, and decided to use “again” instead, but simply forgot to delete “every.” We’ll never know, I guess. Finally, I think we should note the imperative form. It is, of course, common sales practice to use the imperative (Don’t spend too much on car insurance!), but might not the imperative here signal an actual order, and, indeed, an order that the reader could not possibly comply with? Might it not be an ironic commentary on the limits of subjective freedom? For how does one prevent in advance one’s own embarrassment, where embarrassment constitutes an almost involuntary affective state? Might not the author of this message be commenting on the impossibility of controlling particular affects, these states that come from outside, that cannot be controlled by the subject that experiences or endures them? Isn’t this really a bit like saying “Don’t love her anymore!” or “Don’t love him any more!” – the worst advice given to the moping teenager by his or her friends – but really an introduction to adulthood, as we learn the boundaries of the will: Don’t love her anymore, as if one could control through sheer will one’s fallingness, one’s loves? Don’t be embarrassed of your little one every again! Oh, the reader thinks, would that I could turn it off!
3) RE: Q&A Doctor Anita Graves – Since I have never – to my knowledge – attended any discussion by Doctor Anita Graves, nor written any follow-up email regarding the Q&A that presumably followed such discussion, you can imagine my surprise when I read this subject line, which takes the form of a response email to a follow-up to a Q&A session. Did I attend any such lecture? Did I send any such response to the Q&A? These questions struck panic into me when this subject line popped up in my inbox: could such a thing have happened without my remembering it? And so I examined the subject line more closely. In the first place, I’m struck by the form of responsiveness that’s imputed. First, there must have been some discussion. Following the discussion, there must have been a question and answer session. Following the question and answer session, the implied reader felt the need to either inquire or respond further. And following that response or inquiry, the writer of the subject line presumably provided yet another response. “RE: Q&A Doctor Anita Graves” can thus be read as a dense sign of these much more extensive relationships of response and counter-response, information and courtesy. We can go further. The initial speaker, Doctor Anita Graves, retains her title, though whether she is a medical expert (who studies, say, the relative size of male sexual organs), or a professor of some kind is left to the implied reader’s memory. Certainly, a good argument can be made that Dr. Graves is, in fact, a medical doctor, since the use of the full term “Doctor” is much more common when referring to medical doctors than it is with regard to PhDs. So, for the sake of argument, let’s assume that Anita Graves is a medical doctor. That adds a new layer to this richly woven subject line. The initial contact was with a professional, an expert. The expert is at the heart of the questioning; all the responsiveness and dialogue that follows is premised on the expert opinion of Doctor Anita Graves, the font of knowledge. In this small subject line we can detect the social structure of scientific, medical, and perhaps even expert discourse as a whole: the expert speaks, then allows additional clarifying questions; the implied reader seeks more, ever more truth from our expert, who gamely replies, as is the expert’s duty to both layperson and peer. Or perhaps I’m wr0ng about all of this! Perhaps Doctor Anita Graves has refused to do a Q&A in her pending lecture, absolutely refused to take questions from these jerks, and has stated so in no uncertain terms, and the administrator insisted that Q&A was a condition of the stipend, as follows: “Q&A Doctor Anita Graves…is a condition of the stipend!” Using her whole name and title thusly spelled out – the email equivalent of your mother calling you by your full given, middle, and last name when she catches you outside writing in the wet cement or catching a drag from a cigarette, and all your little hoodrat friends take off running because they know you’re so fucking busted when the full on name comes out. Doctor Anita Graves! Is that you writing in that cement there! Get in here this instant! And then this email, Doctor Anita Graves’ response to the completely inappropriate tone of the administrator’s admonishment, something like “RE: Q&A Doctor Anita Graves…It may be a condition of the stipend, but you can take your stipend, your lecture, and your fucking Q&A and shove it! I will not – NOT – be questioned by the likes of, etc. Yrs, Anita Emily Graves, MD”
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